I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
