I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
