My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
