Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
