My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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