eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
