im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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