I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize