My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
