I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
