i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
