plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
