Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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