just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
