I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
