Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
