Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
