I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he was CRYING into my vagina
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
