I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
