This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
