They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
