that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize