If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize