dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
