So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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