I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
