On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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