Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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