I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize