Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
