Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
