I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
not ubering you a puppy
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