Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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