Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
