Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
