yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
