I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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