I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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