she was so not down for the gang bang
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
