I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
