after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
