there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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