I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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