Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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