Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
