I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
