you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
