I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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