you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
