Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
