he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
