I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
