Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
