Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
