My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
